面具讓我窒息(2)

In order to change, I needed help in facing myself. For me it was not easy to “know thyself”. All my life I had accepted the lesser of the two evils and run away from self because truth was more dangerous. Once I thought that to survive I had to put on a mask and forget what lay underneath. But masks are false protections and the inner part of me refused to go unheard forever.

　　It caught up eventually, and unless it was to master me I had to face such feelings as fear, anger, envy, hatred, jealousy and excessive need for attention. When I realized I could not have done anything else except what I did, I was able to like myself more and be able to like others not for what they could give me but for what I could give to them.

　　為了改變現(xiàn)狀，我需要幫助來面對自我。對我來說，“認(rèn)識自己”并不是件簡單的事。一生中，我選擇了兩個罪惡中較輕的一個：逃避自我，因為真相往往更為危險。曾經(jīng)我以為，戴上面具，忘記面具下的一切，就能生存下去。

　　然而，面具是虛假的掩護(hù)，我的內(nèi)心決不肯永遠(yuǎn)緘默。最終這種情感占了上風(fēng)，如果它不曾主宰我，我就依然得面對恐懼、憤怒、羨慕、仇恨、嫉妒和極其需要關(guān)注的情感。除了順從自己的內(nèi)心，我別無選擇，當(dāng)我意識到這一點(diǎn)時，我便更喜歡自己，也更愛他人。這并不是為了他人能給予我什么，而是我能給予他們什么。

　　The Bible shows the way to easy, happy living in many of its pages. It advises, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Those who expect the most are apt to receive the least. I had expected much and was filled with fury because nothing in the outside world relieved my emptiness and despair. Nothing did, either, until I could face the anger and fury, the emptiness and despair, and slowly start to know such new feelings as compassion, conviction, control, calm. I learned, too, of reason—that judicious combination of thought and feeling that enables me to take more responsibility for myself and others, that allows me to slay the ghosts of the past.

　　For me there is much hard work ahead to achieve greater happiness. Yet, the very struggle I have put into achieving a measure of it makes happiness that much more dear.

　　如何能簡單幸福地生活，《圣經(jīng)》中的眾多例子都告訴了我們。它建議：“施比受更有福。”那些期望最多的人，往往收獲最少。曾經(jīng)，我期望頗多，內(nèi)心卻充滿了憤怒與狂躁，因為外界任何事物都無法填補(bǔ)我內(nèi)心的空虛與絕望。一切都于事無補(bǔ)，直到我能夠面對憤怒、狂躁、空虛與絕望，并慢慢地開始懂得同情、信仰、自制與平靜這些新的情感。我也明白了，理智正是思想與情感最明智的結(jié)合，它能夠讓我為自己與他人承擔(dān)起更多的責(zé)任，驅(qū)除往昔糾纏我的幽靈。

　　對我來說，要想更加幸福，還需付出更多艱辛的努力。但是，為獲得一定程度的幸福而付出的艱辛努力，才使得幸福彌足珍貴。